Note: This is part two of my article I wrote back in February 2022 titled "My relationship was good enough." Even though what I wrote in that article about my relationship is now invalid, I still want to keep the article up because I think the message is relevant and powerful.
In the words of Sophia Petrillo from Golden Girls:
Picture it! Los Angeles, California. A young 27-year-old was in a better place almost a year after a breakup. But then she finds out that her ex cheated on her during the relationship and everything she thought about him and the relationship was a lie.
A week after my brother got in a bad motorcycle accident and while I was recovering from a cold due to the stress of the accident, I got a message from my ex’s girlfriend on Instagram starting off with “I know you don’t know me….” She was trying to find out the truth about my relationship. She told me that a month prior to messaging me, she found out through Airbnb that my ex lied about when he and I broke up. He initially told her it was in 2020. When she confronted him he lied again saying we broke up in September 2021. He then told her that he cheated on me with her. She said she messaged me because she had this gut instinct that something was still off. To make matters worse, I saw the message in the early morning before I had to go to work. I went to my mom’s room handed her my phone and told her to read the message because I couldn’t fathom what I just read. I then asked her in disbelief, “How am I supposed to go to work right now?” While getting ready to go to work, then in the Uber on the way to work, and then in the bathroom at work, this girl and I were sending each other screenshots that revealed what a piece of trash this man really was. Honestly, I don’t know how I kept it together at work.
I started dating my ex in 2016. I found out that he was messaging this girl every day for a year in 2018 when they matched on Tinder. He said he was single and acted “more than friendly.” He started messaging her when I moved home before grad school started after I had been living with him for a year. This was when the relationship became long-distance. This was also the same time period when I became lonely and super depressed. However, an unknown reason led them in her words to “mutually ghost each other” in 2019. Thus, they had no contact until a few years later when he messaged her on Instagram three days after we broke up in December 2021. That is why he lied to her about when we broke up because he knew it didn’t look good that he messaged her so quickly. I found out that back in March 2022 when he texted me about wanting to talk once more for closure (I shut him down), that was only a few days before she went to go see him and that they had been messaging since December. It was implied that they never met in person before this (I believe she lived out of state at the time of 2018-2019). She told me he asked her to move in with him a week after she went to go visit him and as far as I know, she is still living with him now out of state.
He told her that he cheated on me with her.
It is weird finding out about the cheating years after it happened and almost a year after the relationship ended. I felt invalidated and was told, “Well it is in the past.” However, It doesn’t matter when it happened because it still happened and it made me re-process the whole 5 ½ year relationship. If anything it was worse finding this out later on because it felt like we broke up all over again and that a scar that was finally healing got ripped back open. I also was never able to confront him and maybe if I found out when it all happened or when we were still together I would have been able to. The person I thought he was wasn’t who he was. It still doesn’t feel real to me now that this actually happened because I didn’t think he was capable of it. What made this even harder to process and deal with was how it was my first and only relationship and so all my “firsts” (first date, first kiss, etc.) were officially ruined. The most difficult part of this for me has been him taking up space in my mind again. I went from even weeks of rarely thinking of him to having dreams of calling him and yelling. He has been living in my mind for 6 years and it is time he is evicted. I felt that heaviness come back again. That heaviness I felt when we first broke up would make me feel like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs. I didn’t want to think about him anymore but it felt like I could never get rid of him no matter how much I tried. I joked with my mom saying “Imagine if, in a few months, I get a message from another one of his girlfriends?” I have received a few weird Instagram messages since this happened and every time I go to open those message requests my heart starts beating fast. Luckily, they have all been those “Join our team” messages from sketchy small businesses. As much as I wanted the whole truth I couldn’t handle finding more surprises.
Everything I wrote about him in my past article was instantly made invalidated as well. I wasn’t in a “good enough relationship” but a toxic manipulative relationship with a liar and a cheater living a double life. In a way, it is funny how this person who would get weirdly jealous over the stupidest things like me having crushes on celebrities or hanging out at a bar with friends was actually the one who was cheating!
I wasn’t in a “good enough relationship” but a toxic manipulative relationship with a liar and a cheater living a double life.
One of the ways my anxiety manifests is by knowing. Knowing why someone is the way they are or how a situation happened helps me feel in control when my power is being taken away. But this situation came with many unknowns that I have to accept. I don’t know if he cheated on me with anyone else. I don’t know if he ever cheated physically. I don’t know why he kept me around for as long as he did. I don’t know who he is and I don’t know why he is this way. I don’t know how she found me. I don’t know how he could sit on this secret for years and not tell me. I don’t know why she stayed with him after she found out he cheated on me. I don’t know why she didn’t leave. I will never know the whole truth and that is what made this so painful. Fortunately, even though it has been difficult, I am starting to be comfortable with not knowing everything. I am at a place now where I don’t want to hear any more about him.
I don’t know who he is and I don’t know why he is this way.
Part of me wishes she never messaged me especially since she messaged me for selfish reasons. It seems like she messaged me for her own sake since she was and is still with him after she found out he lied rather than messaging me so I know the truth. It is still difficult for me to understand how she talked to him for a whole year without meeting him when he said he was single and then years later welcome him back in and move in with him so fast. However, even though I know she deserves more, she will have to find that out on her own and I truly wish she does. I did thank her for telling me all of this and I appreciate her apologizing to me for me finding out this way. Though, I could have just lived in my “blue pill” bubble and remembered him as a good person with flaws it is nice knowing at least part of the truth, that he is a horrible person. I get joy out of him knowing that I know he cheated because I don’t think he thought he would get caught.
I learned through therapy that my first initial reaction to pain is anger to the point of disgust. I was so disgusted after his girlfriend messaged me where it felt wrong to be in my body. Though now the anger decreased, it is still there. I find myself now being angry at how much he has affected me and I hate that. I hate that the thought of talking to someone new gives me anxiety. I hate that now I am scared that again a guy will try to mold me into who he wants me to be. I hate that he proved to me how cruel people can be. I hate that I loved him and he never loved me. I hate that he can cause havoc wherever he goes to those that just wanted to be loved and safe while he moves on unscathed. I hate that I didn’t do anything wrong yet it feels like I am bearing all the pain. However, I don’t hate him because he isn’t worth my hatred.
I felt really stupid at first because he truly fooled me and everyone close to me. It is so scary to realize that you never know a person or what they are capable of. I had to give myself grace because like my mom said, I wasn’t there, we were long-distance I only saw him once a month usually only a few days at a time. At one point during peak pandemic times, we went a few months without seeing each other.
I hate that I loved him and he never loved me. I hate that he can cause havoc wherever he goes to those that just wanted to be loved and safe while he moves on unscathed. I hate that I didn’t do anything wrong yet it feels like I am bearing all the pain. However, I don’t hate him because he isn’t worth my hatred.
It is funny to me that he could only sit in his feelings for three days before he couldn’t take it anymore and needed someone else to attempt to fill that void in his heart. Meanwhile, I am proud of myself that I had been single since we broke up and allowed myself to sit in the grief and mourn it even though it has been so difficult. For a while and even now sometimes it upsets me that he was able to move on so fast and start this new life without the deep scars like the ones he left me. But I realized something and I want all of you who have been through something similar to understand this. What he has isn’t happiness. There is no way he can possibly be happy. Sure, it looks like happiness from the outside: new life in a new state, a girlfriend, and a great job that provides him with a comfortable income. But none of that matters. It doesn’t matter because none of that will make him feel whole. It is clear he can’t be alone and that he needs distractions from himself. I believe he clings to vulnerable girls to “save” them so he feels good about himself. It is clear he doesn’t know what he wants and he is probably struggling between what he actually wants and what he thinks he should want. Unless he realizes he is the problem and needs to get help, he will never be truly happy. I am sure he regrets losing me because why else would he move to a state I was considering moving with him to when his family lives in a different state? Why else would he have messaged me in March when he already had someone new? Why else would he only block me after his girlfriend messaged me? I think we are so encouraged to “take the high road” when people wrong us and to just move on with our lives as if the pain doesn’t matter. I am not advocating for pettiness and revenge because I believe in karma. And because I believe in karma I don’t wish bad on him but I think it is okay to get at least some satisfaction from knowing that people who hurt us aren’t happy and that they will live with regret. I am not ashamed to say that I take joy in knowing he is feeling regretful.
What he has isn’t happiness. There is no way he can possibly be happy. Sure, it looks like happiness from the outside: new life in a new state, a girlfriend, and a great job that provides him with a comfortable income. But none of that matters. It doesn’t matter because none of that will make him feel whole.
A friend told me I am so resilient and honestly, sometimes I don’t know why or what is keeping me going. Sometimes I wish I could just let myself fall apart but I can’t. It is so strange that since this happened I have been having this weird gut instinct that I will find the right person. Even though this whole experience has been awful, I feel better about myself. For so long in the relationship, I thought he was the strong one and that I was a mess because I have anxiety and depression while he was always “together.” However, I have learned that he is weak, broken, and more of a coward than I could ever understand and that I am stronger than I ever thought. I know that my mom is the reason why I have high self-worth and why I keep moving forward. She taught me that I don’t need a man to make me whole. I know that I can be single and alone without needing someone else to distract me from the pain I feel. I know that through medication, friends, my mom, and therapy I can fix my own pain. I thank him for showing me that. I have had a few opportunities since the break up to rebound or settle just to have someone but I never did that. I will rather be alone forever than be in a relationship with someone who is toxic, a manipulator, and a cheater. Even though the pain has been deep, it feels good knowing I am capable of feeling that. I rather feel this pain than be numb like him because at least I know I am capable of loving someone and caring deeply about someone. And if I can do that then I know I can truly appreciate when someone does that for me.
I know that through medication, friends, my mom, and therapy I can fix my own pain.
I would be lying if I said that I am over it because I am not completely over it. Sometimes I even wonder if we are ever fully healed or fully 100% over it. I learned that you don’t have to be 100% over someone or something to move on. You can still process pain while looking ahead for other, better things. I do think it is important though to be over it enough to not drag that pain and those scars into a new relationship. I have been on dating apps for a while now. I haven’t had the best of luck but that is okay too. I recently turned 28 and I am doing my best to welcome positive things into my life. I have plane tickets booked for Italy in September! I just want everyone to know even if it sounds cliche that heartbreak doesn’t mean your story is over and that it does get better. Pain doesn’t mean you are weak. Feeling pain and actually moving with pain makes you strong. To all of my fellow single ladies out there who desire to be in relationships with men, you don’t NEED a man to make you happy know your worth, and love yourself first. Of course, you can want one, I also want one, but you don’t NEED one and you don’t NEED to settle.