A Reflection: Most Vulnerable I Have Been on the Internet

It is odd for me to think that for the first time in a long time, or maybe ever, I actually feel good. It is also odd that I feel this way because there are a variety of factors in my life that are not ideal. My mental health has been a rollercoaster. I have a job that does not provide enough hours or pay well enough to have a stable income allowing me to save, move out from home, plan big adventures or buy concert tickets. However, there is a plus that I get to work from home and forever wear sweatpants all day. I have a Master’s degree yet it has been so difficult to find another job. I don’t have friends who live near me and thus have no social life. I have no car and now have driving anxiety because I have not driven in a while. Due to lack of a social life, lack of car, lack of income, working remotely and of course the pandemic, I do not leave my house much or do much in general. I am also starting a journalism certificate program in a couple of weeks and I am going through a breakup after a 5 ½ year relationship. While reading this, I am like why do I feel actually okay when I recently turned 27 and feel like I am starting completely over?

Side bar: Wow I never put so much of my personal life and struggles on the Internet but I guess this is what we are doing, they do say write what you know.

I know a big contributor to my enhanced mental state is the fact that I started taking an antidepressant and recently upped my dosage. For a while, I was hesitant about getting on medication for my depression because of the whole stigma. I was also worried about gaining more weight, after I have gone through a weight gain in the last few years due to stress and PCOS, luckily the one I am on can help you lose weight. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a while (probably longer than I realized). The first time I said the words “ I am depressed” out loud was when I was in grad school. Of course, since the pandemic has turned mine and everyone else’s worlds upside down, my depression has gotten worse, especially within the last year. Though I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now, I reached one of my lowest points a few months ago when I started to feel numb and hollow. That feeling scared me and so I finally took the suggestion from my therapist to see a psychiatrist. Though I still have my moments, depression and anxiety is a daily battle, I noticed recently I am starting to finally have hope. Honestly, I am so grateful for both therapy and antidepressants.

The breakup, my first, has been an interesting journey. Even though there was of course sadness, heartbreak, anger (mostly anger), and just a weird out of body feeling I felt for like a week due to the suddenness and shock of it all, I think the break up has also been my saving grace. In the beginning of the break up, I felt like I was doing something wrong and even felt guilty because I wasn’t stuck in bed all day or crying for a week straight or eating copious amounts of ice cream, like the portrayals of breakups in movies. It was hard for me to let myself feel comfortable with being upset because I knew that he didn’t feel the same. However, I knew I had to let myself (and still) feel all the emotions in order to heal. After long venting sessions, I realized that what I was feeling was valid and a sign that I knew the relationship was inevitably heading for a breakup even though I was not expecting to be broken up with, especially 5 days before Christmas. Almost two months after the breakup I find myself finally seeing all the red flags I missed or let slide for 5 ½ years. It is still mind blowing to me how far we go to make excuses for our partners and tell ourselves “Well it could be worse so I will just deal with this.” I truly know that I dodged a bullet and I am thankful the relationship ended before heading down the road of engagement and marriage. I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. My mom described it as a 100 and something pound weight off my shoulders and I agree. For so long during the relationship I felt so much stress because it was a long distance and the pressure was on me to get my life together in order for the relationship to move forward. The future was scary and overwhelming. The future is still a little scary and overwhelming but I am excited for it and have to believe that my situation in all the ways I listed above will get better (please). 

I think that prioritizing myself is also why I feel good and hopeful right now. I have been walking more and exercising more trying to find a healthier relationship with working out. I actually don’t hate working out as much as I used to since I am focusing on doing things I like rather than making myself do an extreme workout just to lose a certain amount of weight. I also started taking a plethora of supplements for my PCOS. I also have been thrifting a lot more and find myself falling more in love with vintage and secondhand finds. I started crocheting at the right time. I bought my crochet supplies two days before the break up. What a coincidence huh? 

I haven’t written on this blog since August and I know reviving it will help me find a purpose and add to my enhanced metal state. I think me pushing it off was a combination of laziness, depression, and lack of inspiration. I hope to get more personal on this blog since “the personal is political” and I have been dealing with issues that are not talked about enough (including ones I have not mentioned in this reflection). I believe it is time for me to be vulnerable and continue to put more of “me” in my writing. If any of you have read my writing or even read this little rant reflection of mine, I thank you and hope you will read what I have planned. I am not sure how often I will post or when the first new piece will be posted but I want to make it more of a priority. 

So stay tuned.